Episode 23: Life Is a Gift: Series Finale

When I set out to do this podcast, I wanted to find the answer to a question: What is it like to be facing the end? I wanted to hear the inspiring parts, the messy parts, and the mundane parts of living with a terminal illness. In this final episode, I reflect on what I’ve learned from these interviews and whether I’m any less afraid of death.

Thank you again to the people I’ve interviewed. Your stories will live on.

Music: “Promises” by Sergey Cheremisinov, “Touch of Ice” by Borrtex, “Desomorais” by Podington Bear, “Cedar Waxwing” by Chad Crouch, and “Perrenial” by Pictures of the Floating World

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Episode 22: I'll Even Love You When You Turn to Dirt: Talking with My Son about Death

When I started this podcast, I soon realized that I was exploring death from three different vantage points: from the view of people with a terminal illness, from my own as a healthy person, and from the view of a child learning about death for the first time. My son started asking questions about death when he was two. At first, I didn’t really know how to answer his questions. But now that he’s almost five, our conversations about death are as natural as our conversations about detectives, rocket ships, and lunch.

In the second-to-last episode, you’ll hear me and my son Leon talk about death, his thoughts on an afterlife, and…Curious George.

Music: “Barefoot” by Chad Crouch and “Miracles of Childhood” by Lobo Loco

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Episode 21: You Haven't Failed: Dr. Annetta Mallon on the "Good Death"

What is a good death? And how can we talk about it in a way that honors a person’s values but doesn’t add pressure? In this episode, I talk with Dr. Annetta Mallon, an end-of-life consultant (or death doula), about the narrative of a “good death” and how she supports people when things don’t go as planned. She also discusses helpful ways we can talk to kids about death.

To learn more about Dr. Annetta Mallon, founder of Gentle Death Events and Planning, check out her website: https://www.gdep.com.au/

Music: “Grove Melody” by Chad Crouch, “Gravity” by Borrtex, and “Tracers” by Podington Bear

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Episode 20: Open to More Awe: Suing the DEA for Access to Psilocybin

Imagine you’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness and are consumed by feelings of hopelessness, fear, and depression. What if there was a treatment that could help? Research has shown that psilocybin-assisted therapy can significantly reduce the existential distress associated with dying. Psilocybin is currently in clinical trials for this use, but many terminally ill patients, like Erinn Baldeschwiler, either don’t have access or time to wait.

When Erinn and her palliative care doctor, Dr. Sunil Aggarwal, tried to access psilocybin outside of a clinical trial through Right to Try Laws, the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) denied their request. Together, Erinn, Dr. Aggarwal, and their lawyer Kathryn Tucker J.D. are suing the DEA for denying them access to psilocybin in a groundbreaking case that could potentially help many terminally ill people in the future.

In this episode, I talk with Erinn Baldeschwiler, Dr. Sunil Aggarwal, and Kathryn Tucker about this pivotal lawsuit, how psilocybin-assisted therapy might really help people who are dying, and I ask Erinn questions about her terminal illness and what it means to her to be a part of this case.

To learn more about Dr. Sunil Aggarwal and the AIMS Institute, go here.

To learn more about Kathryn Tucker, J.D. and Emerge Law Group, go here.

Music: “Pale Tussuck” and “A Thousand Stars” by Pictures of the Floating World, “Brad PKL” by Blue Dot Sessions, and “Cove” by Chad Crouch

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Episode 19: Gratitude Is the Most Important Tool: Susan Lawrence

When 16-year-old Dylan Lawrence was diagnosed with a diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma, the deadliest childhood brain tumor, he said, “I don’t want my life to be pointless.” I was planning on interviewing Dylan for this podcast, but unfortunately he got too sick and died several weeks after our scheduled interview. But I still wanted to somehow capture who Dylan was. So Dylan’s “bonus mom” Susan Lawrence and I decided that we would carry his voice after his death through hers.

In this episode, you’re going to hear a lot about who Dylan was as a person, how Susan and Dylan talked about his terminal illness, and about how even in the midst of darkness, Susan was able to feel gratitude. Susan also talks in detail about Dylan’s death, and about the trauma of witnessing Dylan’s struggle to die. This episode is heavy at times, but if you’re up for it, you can help hold a space for the unimaginable: losing a child.

If you would like to learn more about Dylan and Susan, you can check out their Facebook page: Dreams For Dylan.

Music: “Surface Tension 3” by Podington Bear, “Thank You for Everything” by Alan Spiljak, and “Memories” by Pictures of the Floating World”.

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Episode 18: We Have It Planned Out: Andrea "Mimi" Ankerholz

After being cancer free for several years, Andrea “Mimi” Ankerholz found out that her breast cancer had come back and had spread to her bones. It was terminal. Her oncologist told her she had six to twelve months to live without treatment and maybe a little longer with treatment. After feeling like a “complete mess” while on radiation and hormone therapy, Mimi decided to discontinue active cancer treatment and instead began to explore Colorado’s End-of-Life Options Act. In this episode, you will hear more about medical aid in dying and why it’s so important to Mimi to have the option to choose how she dies.

While public opinion polls show that the majority of Americans support medical aid in dying, the issue remains controversial. I want to be clear that this episode is not about the debate itself. It’s about one woman’s story.

Music: “Springtime” and “Constellation” by Podington Bear, “Dolly and Pad” by Blue Dot Sessions, and “Ice Skating” by Borrtex

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Episode 17: Facing Death as an Atheist: Dave Warnock

When Dave Warnock was diagnosed with ALS several years ago, he quit his job, moved in with some friends, and decided to start seizing the moments he had left. Prior to his diagnosis, Dave was no stranger to big life transitions. After decades as an evangelical pastor, he gave up his faith and became an atheist. Now he devotes his time to speaking to groups about living and dying as an atheist, a movement he calls “Dying Out Loud.”

To learn more about Dave and his Dying Out Loud work, check out his website at daveoutloud.com.

Music: “Forces” by Podington Bear and “Etude No. 01_18 Years” by Borrtex

Note: This interview was recorded in February of 2021.

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Episode 16: What Do I Say? Talking to Someone with a Terminal Illness

Do you ever find yourself not knowing what to say to someone with a terminal illness? Maybe you want to show your support but fear you might say the wrong thing. These conversations can be tricky to have, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to figure out how to have them. People I have interviewed from previous episodes, including Clair Fisher, Adam Hayden, Jennifer Dunn, and Glenn Buckland, share their perspectives on what is helpful and what is unhelpful. Perhaps their insights can help make these conversations a little easier for everyone.

Music: “Bombadore” and “Warm Fingers” by Blue Dot Sessions and “Sweet and Clean” by Podington Bear

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Episode 15: Dying Well as a Retirement Project: Clair Fisher

While Clair Fisher was on a work trip to the Cayman Islands a couple years ago, she had to fly to Florida for an emergency surgery. She would soon learn that the cause of her pain was advanced cancer. Clair now spends her time focusing on how she can live and die well. As part of what she calls her retirement project, Clair is advocating for early intervention to hospice, the benefits of working during a terminal illness, and breaking down the taboos of talking about death and dying.

To learn more about Clair, you can also check out her blog: https://www.dyingwell.uk/

Music: “Cycles” and “Bogong” by Pictures of the Floating World

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Episode 14: Santa and Mortality

It’s been a while since I posted an episode, so I wanted to do a quick check-in. What an overwhelming year, to say the least. As this year finally comes to a close, I’ve been finding a lot of joy in watching my kids enjoy the magic of Christmas. Things are getting tricky though with my son’s questions about Santa. Spoiler alert: He wonders whether Santa ever dies.

Music: “Basketliner” by Blue Dot Sessions

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Episode 13: How Much Time Do I Have, Doc?: A Conversation with Dr. Michael Fratkin About Prognosis

When my four-year-old son started asking me questions about our neighbor who was in hospice, I realized I was having a difficult time answering his questions about when our neighbor might die. This got me thinking: Can any of us accurately predict when someone might die? So I decided to reach out to Dr. Michael Fratkin, a palliative care doctor and founder of Resolution Care. In this episode, you will hear our conversation about prognosis and the mystery behind trying to guess how the future will unfold. You will also hear parts of my conversation with my wonderful son about our neighbor.

Music: “Mother’s Hands” by Sergey Cheremisinov, “Our Fingers Cold” by Blue Dot Sessions, and “Spring Memories” by Alan Spiljak

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Episode 12: Mortality Is Messy: Jennifer Dunn

After experiencing troubling symptoms for years, Jennifer Dunn refused to leave the emergency room until she had a CT scan. The scan and a subsequent biopsy revealed terminal colon cancer. Jen, a 41-year-old mom, shares how she started to think of her experience with cancer in trimesters. She would spend her first year pursuing aggressive treatment. Her second year, which is this year, would be all about her bucket list. Her third year would likely be hospice. Little did she know that in her second year there would be a global pandemic, forcing her to shred her bucket list. We’ll hear how she’s coped with having to give up her dreams and plans, and how she explains all of this to her young daughter.

A big thanks to Dr. Michael Fratkin at Resolution Care for connecting me with Jen. She describes Dr. Fratkin and his team as “essential and comforting guides at each new scary step” of her experience.

Music: “Hardwood Lullaby”, “Blue Jay”, and “These Times” by Blue Dot Sessions, “Negentropy” by Chad Crouch, and “Winter Walk” by Podington Bear

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Episode 11: Face Fear with Familiarity: Adam Hayden

When Adam Hayden was 34 years old, he had brain surgery to remove a tumor the size of a baseball from his parietal lobe, the area of the brain responsible for motor control, sensory input, and spatial reasoning. During this procedure, Adam was not only awake, but he had to make a life-defining decision: Would he rather the surgeon stop the procedure after removing as much of the tumor as safely possible, or would he rather the surgeon remove additional tumor but risk permanent paralysis to the left side of his body? In this episode, you will get to hear what Adam decided. You will also hear how Adam’s upbringing and his philosophy background have influenced the way he chooses to live with his terminal brain cancer.

To learn more about Adam, you can also check out his blog: Glioblastology.

Music: “Out of the Skies, Under the Earth” by Chris Zabriskie, “Gratitude” by Borrtex, and “On The Clock” by Pictures of the Floating World

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Episode 9: Terror Management Theory: An Interview with Sheldon Solomon

Being human is pretty great. Our brains are large and sophisticated, which allows us to think and do things in ways that other animals cannot. With this intelligence, however, comes an existential burden: an awareness of our own mortality. In this episode, I interview social psychologist Sheldon Solomon. Sheldon Solomon is Professor of Psychology at Skidmore College in New York. He studies the effects of death awareness on human thoughts, feelings, and behavior. He, along with his colleagues Jeff Greenberg and Tom Pyszczynski, developed terror management theory, which posits that our awareness of our own mortality affects our daily lives in profound ways. You can read more about terror management theory in their book, The Worm at the Core: On The Role of Death in Life. You will also hear parts of a conversation with my very insightful and healthy three-year-old son as he realizes for the first time that he too is mortal.

Music: “Glitter” and “Wavy Glass” by Podington Bear and “Come As You Were” by Blue Dot Sessions

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Episode 8: I’ve Been Dying My Whole Life: Manuel Santaella

In 1926, a 16-year-old girl was told that she was going to give birth to a stillborn. That baby was Manuel Antonio Santaella, and to everyone’s amazement, he was born alive. This was just the beginning of Manuel’s many brushes with death throughout his life. Hear how these experiences have shaped Manuel’s gratitude for life, as well as his relationship with death.

Music: “Peaceful Morning” by Lobo Loco, “Snow Day” by Pictures of The Floating World, and “Stars Above” by Alan Spiljak

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Episode 7: What Matters Most to You? A Conversation with Dr. Sunita Puri about the Coronavirus and Death

While many of us may normally keep our thoughts about death at a distance, the Coronavirus pandemic is forcing those thoughts closer. In this episode, I interview Dr. Sunita Puri, the medical director of palliative medicine at Keck Hospital and Norris Cancer Center at the University of Southern California. She is also the author of a critically acclaimed literary memoir called That Good Night: Life and Medicine in the Eleventh Hour. Dr. Puri will help us with the language to initiate conversations about end-of-life care with the people we love. You will also hear parts of a conversation I had with my mom about her end-of-life wishes if she were to get seriously sick from the Coronavirus.

Here is Dr. Puri’s New York Times article that I mentioned in the episode: It’s Time to Talk About Death.

Music: “Meeting Emma” and “Sun” by Borrtex

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Episode 6: What Happens To Me?: Glenn Buckland

When Glenn Buckland was 55 years old, his wife told him, “You’re either going to the hospital or you’re going to the morgue.” After a series of tests, he was diagnosed with plasma cell leukemia, a rare and terminal cancer. But Glenn is not fearful of his death. He instead believes that it is something that can be celebrated. In this episode, you will learn how Glenn got to this place of acceptance and what he thinks a good death looks like for him.

Music: “Sage the Hunter” and “Low Coal Camper” by Blue Dot Sessions and “Canada” by Pictures of The Floating World

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Episode 5: Why Is It So Hard To Talk about Death and Dying?

In this episode, I ask a doctor, a medical ethicist, social workers, as well as family, friends, and old coworkers about why it is so hard for us to talk about death and dying. I also share conversations I have had with my young son about the coronavirus and death and dying, and I share some exciting news from my own life.

Music: “Betty Dear” by Blue Dot Sessions and “Stronger” and “Sun” by Alan Spiljak

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Episode 4: We're Going To Be Gone Soon: John Low

John Low was diagnosed with cardiac amyloidosis at the age of 95, giving him six months or less to live. His granddaughter thought he would be a good person for this podcast because of his frank attitude about living and dying. Hear the interview in this episode. The conversation will surprise you.

Music: “A Little Sympathy” by Lee Rosevere and “Horses” by Pictures of The Floating World

Note: This episode was recorded before the global outbreak of the Coronavirus. My heart goes out to all the people affected by this, and especially to the people who are having to die alone because of it.

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